Author

Angela

RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #18 of 45: “I Am Replaceable”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

Oh this life. I was her artist, and now there is a new artist. I am stripped of identity, of hiding behind skills and abilities, of every shallow reason I am worthy. I am worthy because I cook, I am worthy because I dance, I am worthy because I write, I am worthy because I can put a shelf together, I am worthy because I am smart. Now my skills feel meaningless as Girlfriend and Girl watch each other in open-mouthed awe, and I am reduced to nothing. I think nothing is exactly where I am supposed to be, but it is terrifying.

I want to read all of Girlfriend’s texts. I want to pore through her journals and scrape my heart with sharp evidence of their love. I want to hear every word they say. I want to throw dignity out the window in search of certainty and comfort, in search of a reprieve from the ripping open, soul-rending pain.  But no. Let go. Stop asking. Let go. Dare to trust Girlfriend. Can I dare to trust her and believe what she says? That she loves me more and more? That she is not going anywhere? That I am her baby? That I am her queen? That I am number one? Do I dare believe this?

And can I believe in my own desirability, in my own worth, in my own place in this relationship, in this life? Can I see I am beautiful, that I am worthy not because I am standing by Girlfriend’s side, but because I am always fucking worthy? Can I believe our relationship is equal, that I am just as attractive, just as intriguing, just as skilled, just as glorious as she is? For so long I have put my identity into Girlfriend, into her appearance, her abilities, hiding behind her, and now this is gone. I am not just a mother who somehow tricked her into falling in love with me, just an aging woman whose prime is past. I am goddess fire, I am love incarnate, I am walking galactic royalty, I am Queen.

Spirit says: “Forge on, dear Queen. And you will see. You will see, Rejoice in this moment, in this discomfort, find solace here for the waters you are crossing may be dark and murky, the winds may whip you to and fro, the waves may seem threatening and ominous, but you. You are meant for this journey, meant to navigate these seas, they are for you. And the land that is waiting? Oh, so sweet. The land that is waiting? Oh, so precious, grapes and honey and bliss beyond all imagination. Where you are going is beyond all of your wildest dreams, so have faith, sit in trust, breathe in and out of this journey, this portal, this moving through. Let it break you open. Let it break you free so you can fly.” 

“Let go. Let go and trust. TRUST. TRUST. TRUST that you will be unshakeable, that all you have been wishing for is rushing toward you, that all will be well and more than well, it will be sublime, it will be heaven on Earth, it will be destiny and fiery truth and golden flame and sacred magic. Trust. Trust this. Follow the path, heed the signs, listen to your intuition, allow yourself to become all that you are, dear soul, it is coming. It is coming, and it will be grand. Beauty beyond anything you have ever seen.”

I do not need to insert myself. I do not need to include myself. I do not need to clutch at a role no one is interested in giving me. I do not need to behave in a way that convinces me I am part of a trio instead of a straggler clinging to a duet. I only need to surrender and let myself be broken open, let myself flounder in the deep and know I will not drown, know I am being set free, know I will learn to fly.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #17: “What Do I Want?”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

It feels like falling to pieces. It feels like heartbreak after a relationship, but Girlfriend is still here and not going anywhere. It feels like everything is different, surreal, empty, fakes of what used to be real. It feels like an ending, but nothing is ending. It feels like horrendous, cataclysmic pain, but because of what? Sharing?  Not being the only one in my love’s heart? Letting her be with other people? Good God, this is why everyone says affairs are the worst, this is how I wrung out other’s hearts. This is why non-monogamy is so judged and belittled, this is why. Because it fucking hurts. 

I want revenge, I want to fall for someone so Girlfriend feels it, so she knows this torture.

But I don’t really want that. I want her to be happy. I want her to be free to express and love and feel, and I also want to disappear, but I also feel like I do not have a choice. That she will not stay if she is not free. That someday, maybe, I will want to be free. This is the only way.

It was fun until it became real, and now reality weighs heavy like an anchor dragging me to the bottom of the sea. Just the idea of them doing all the things I used to think were reserved just for me, how? How do I do this? How do I be okay? With this swiftness, with this avalanche that feels so incredibly unjust and so incredibly unfair while also acutely self-inflicted, how? HOW?!!

CHOOSE. Choose. How do you want this, Angela? How do you want this to be? How do you want this to feel? How do you want this experience to unfold, how do you want to transcend? What do you want to become? 

I want…

I want to feel happy because Girlfriend is happy. I want my love to be so beautiful, so unlimited that it can expand to fit any situation. I want to love Girl as a part of our family, I want to love Girlfriend more than ever before. I want to look at her and feel joy, I want to be next to her and feel peace, I want to watch her with the children and feel the intense gratitude I felt only days ago, I want to see how gorgeous she is and be just as proud and just as utterly enchanted as I was this past Sunday.

I want to feel the way we were but even better. Even more. I want to share, to know she is my primary, to know that I am hers, to rest in this and feel assured. I want to feel seen and heard and loved, I want to love more beautifully than the world has ever seen, I want peace. I want to be the Queen that touches everyone she meets, that shines with the warmth of the sun, that radiates strength, beauty, grace, and love everywhere she goes. I want to be all I am meant to be. 

That is what I want for all of us together. So pretty, yes?

(NOTE: It is pretty, because it was a fantasy. A fantastical, not-at-all-rooted-in-reality idea of what I could be. Of what we all could be.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #16 of 45: “Begging My Love to Keep Loving Girl ”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

My history is dotted (or smeared, maybe flooded) with self-destructive behavior. Telling ill-conceived lies that cannot help but bite me in the ass, chasing unavailable and not-nice people, running up loads of credit card debt, eating tremendous amounts of ice cream despite being severely allergic to dairy.

The seriousness varies.

But this tendency to be my own worst enemy may explain why, when Girlfriend wanted to stop the whole experiment, I asked her to keep going. Nay, I BEGGED her to keep going. Pleaded with her to stay in it. 

To Girlfriend

I know Girl only likes you
I know I am terrified of losing you
I know you two have a special connection
I know you want Girl woven into our life 
I know I can do this

And when you feel down, overwhelmed by the stress of it all, by the stress of Girl and the stress of me, you decide to bow out. You decide it is too much, these feelings are not what you want, you do not want to see her or talk to her anymore. And ahhhh, I know you cannot do this. It is not time for the end.

So I passionately attempt to convince you to stay, because I know this is the course, the tarot said so, the guides said so, the Universe said so, but also because I am not ready to lose Girl, for reasons I do not yet understand, and I know if you bow out she is gone. Because you are the reason she is here. I am not ready for this adventure to end. I am not ready to give up the inexplicable addiction I have for her. I am not ready for the chaos to disappear.

You tell me I can have her, and that makes me so angry because I cannot, because I know she does not have the feelings for me she has for you. I know I am nothing in this.

So I tell Girl, good little enabler and desperate-to-keep-her-around whatever that I am, I tell her you are shutting down and saying you are done, and of course she comes rushing over to make sure you do no such thing. And you two are sitting in the garage under the little lights, and I am inside listening to Throne on repeat, trying to drown your existences out, trying to tell myself I did a good thing, but really kicking myself, trying to figure out why I love twisting knives into my own gut. I even drove Girl here, knowing full well she had me drive so she could ask you to drive her back. Alone-car-time. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Again, the FUCK, Angela.

Days and weeks after this night I will ask myself why I fought for such a dreadful experience. Why didn’t I just let it go? But I also don’t think it was ever going to end there. I don’t think I actually had any control. I don’t think any of us had any control. 

I know I want to shut down and shield myself from you
I know I cannot.
I know I must leave it all alone, that I cannot ask for anything.
I know this is all for a reason.
I know
I know
I know
I know nothing at all.
I know I need to pay more attention to my life?
I know this feels like the hardest thing I have intentionally done.
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be.
Let the walls tumble and the stones fall.
Let it rip me open and leave me raw.
Let it burn my demons to the ground.
Let it be.

(NOTE: I must mention that while I persisted in spite of pain, Girlfriend was also persisting. Spirit guided her to remain open, to show Girl unconditional love, to not abandon her. Just as spirit showed ME this was the way, it showed Girlfriend as well. So we were both in this thing, this unpleasant thing, trying our darndest to follow our intuition, to follow the Universe, to be open to discomfort, to be wide open to it all.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #15 of 45: “Armor Guy”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend

Now that everything is good, now that Girl supposedly likes me too, you retreat?

How is it that NOW you are in your armor?

How is that NOW you are closed off, and she and I are left talking awkwardly while glancing at your silent self?

How come you get to be uncomfortable and have feelings? I thought I owned the victim role, I thought I had the monopoly of bad feelings, I thought, of the two of us, I retained the pity-party corner of this experience. Because I am no one’s new love. 

And also, I feel it and I see it. Her concern wrapped around you, her consciousness noting every little thing you are doing and not doing. I feel her eyes looking past me, locked onto you.

I want to believe she likes both of us, that she meant what she said. But it feels wildly untrue, everything in me is screaming it is not true. She does not respond to me the way she responds to you, she does not look at me the way she looks at you, she can talk to you for hours while she and I seem incapable of talking to each other for minutes, and I am pissed that you are standing there feeling whatever sadness or pain you are feeling when I feel like you have everything I want.

But Spirit reminds me:

“Trust the Universe,
Flow,
Surrender,
Let go.
Trust the bliss that is waiting on the other side.
Trust that you are forging gold.
Trust and do not be afraid,
This is for all of you.
Breathe and sleep.
Sleep and trust.
Sleep and know the Universe is conspiring to give you everything you want.
Trust it will be exactly as it needs to be.”

(NOTE: This evening was hard for me, but it was hard for Girlfriend, too. Fearing losing Girl, fearing losing me, caught in the middle, wishing it could be the three of us somehow in bliss and harmony but seeing that Girl and I do not click, yet hoping it could work out.

For so long I looked back on this memory just pissed at Girlfriend, thinking she had no right to shut down, no right to be a party pooper, but she had every right. Every right to feel her feelings, to be as scared as I was, to be as confused and lost and unsure as I was. I was just so jealous Girlfriend seemed to have what I wanted, but in the end, I am very grateful our roles were what they were. I am SO glad they were not switched. So glad I was not the one getting attention, because that came at a mighty cost.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #14 of 45: “Mostly A Poem About… Lostness?”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

I worked hard to stop caring what others thought. Or to, at least, care much less. To be comfortable in my truths, in who I am, in my expression, in my voice. I fancied myself far down the road of progress, strong, resilient, solidly me. “Good job, me,” I’d say, patting myself on the back.

Then this.
And now I am questioning everything,
Now I am listening to every word I speak and wondering of their value,
Now I am replaying every eye flutter, every lip twitch, and deciding if it was good or bad.
Did I convey what I meant to convey?
Should I have even meant to convey it in the first place?
How am I sitting?
How am I speaking?
Am I too loud, too quiet?
Am I smiling too much, am I awkwardly still?
Am I incapable of being cool? 
Am I kind of dorky or extremely dorky?
Why do I make so many hand gestures?
Are my experiences worthy?
Am I worthy?

Where did she go?
The grounded one with a bit of wisdom?
Where is she now?
The seeing queen with her sword of truth, here to set fire to the world?
Where is she now?
Goddess of light, gateway of souls, four-armed mother, dragon spirit?

She is nowhere to be found,
and in her place a little girl
who is not sure if she can be loved,
who is not sure if she deserves joy,
who stands in warm sunlight on a clear day
holding an umbrella,
waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I thought I loved this child and soothed her long ago.
I thought she knew she was worthy, and enough, and deserving of every good thing in this world.
I thought she was healed.
But here she is,
quiet and scared,
praying she is not alone.

And that is the gift of this brittleness,
that is the gift of the spiral that dances me back to the past.
I discover swirling patterns,
wounds that are crusted but raw.

I find this child
and have another chance to love her,
to tell her we are okay,
to tell her it is all going to be more than okay.
To invite her to lower her umbrella,
saying the sun is a gift,
and yes it sets, but it will always rise again,
And the moon and stars are just as beautiful,
and oh doesn’t nighttime smell so good?
To tell her I will hold her hand and 
we will walk through this together,
however many times it takes.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #13: “Three is a Crowd”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present. My present relationship is completely  monogamous.)

“Just when you think you are sooooo strong, a young woman blows into your life and you find you are brittle as leaves in the Fall” – Me

NOTE: This was written the day after discovering Girl felt something for me, too. The chariot of anxiety came in QUICK. 

When there are three people. Suddenly the relationship is not your own. There is another player. I could feel whatever I feel, but there is also Girlfriend and her vast influence, and everyone has to be on board for it to work, and it is a large thing to go from two to three in such a vulnerable place.

This place. The questioning of being around Girl and how we alter. I see it in Girlfriend and it frightens me how concerned she seems to now be about what I share, what I say, what I reveal about her when she did not care before. Suddenly I feel I need to edit my words, edit my openness, edit my writing, and I don’t like it. 

I see it in me as well, the pull to put on some sort of show. I question my words, my expressions, my articulation, my stories, everything I am doing. What will Girl think? How will Girl view me? Will I lose her? Will I lose them? Is everything I am saying empty and dumb?

I fear my past is too pristine, my stories too nice, my understanding too small and privileged and fortunate. I fear I have no place. I fear I am on the outside. I fear I am not enough. But I will fight to not let this change me. I will fight to say the words I have always meant to say, dare to share all that is me, dare to let myself be seen and ask to be loved just the way I am. Just the way I am… Have I ever been just the way I am? Do I even know what that is?

The fear. The fear that comes with having something I feel like I am not supposed to have. To have something I feel unworthy of, to have something everyone says should not exist, to have something that is seemingly so leading edge and glorious and brilliantly shining that it is terrifying because how does one survive the loss of something this grand? 

It feels like I have been gifted a pegasus in a world that says they do not exist. And now I am so afraid she will be taken away and my life will always be missing a pegasus, my life will suffer from a pegasus-shaped hole forever even though, just a little bit ago, I had no idea I even wanted one.

(NOTE: Throwing this in here in case anyone is becoming confused. We were never a throuple, Girlfriend and Girl were never officially dating or in a romantic relationship, there was nothing official about any of this. But there were lots and lots and lots of feelings that made it all FEEL very real. I am sure many of you have been in not-official relationships that felt very real. If you have not, then good for you.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #12 of 45: “She Likes Me Too?!!”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

HOLYSHITBALLSWHATISTHISLIFEHOWCANANYTHINGBETHISGOOD.

Girl likes me too.

ME TOO.

I was brave (or slightly brash?) and told Girl I know she likes Girlfriend, that I know Girlfriend likes her, and that it is a weird thing because I like Girl too, and never expected to experience my crush and the love of my life be into each other. 

Then Girl said some things I understood to mean…

THAT SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME.

ME.

Meeeeeeee…

And I said “Wait, what?” and stood there gaping at her, because I am cool and classy like that.

She likes us BOTH, both of us. Not just Girlfriend, me too. ME too. I am included.

And we both like her, so isn’t this the most delightful thing? The most wondrous happening ever?

We feel like the home Girl has never had, the love she has never experienced, the soulmates she has been waiting for. And whatever it is we are going to become, whatever path this takes, however much time we have to be in each other’s orbit, how can it be anything but glorious?

So this is the Universe, this is divine orchestration, this is perfect timing, this is what trust got me, this is the bliss already here! So quick! The miracle has occurred!

Thank you for bringing her into our lives

Thank you for our trio and our magic and our connection

Thank you for this beautiful gift

(NOTE: To Past Angela’s grand show of gleeful naivety I say “HahahahahHAHAAAAAAAA, you FOOL!” But not really, because I love her. And she was just so full of hope. To this day I do not quite understand why Girl ever suggested she felt anything for me, because, as you will soon see, there was zero truth to it. Maybe it was self-preservation? Maybe she saw me as a threat, an obstacle between her and Girlfriend, the person that could end it all? And attempted to secure her place by saying she liked me too (which was mighty effective in the moment)? I don’t know. I probably will never know, and that is okay.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #11 of 45: “Stupid Paintings”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

I am sitting in this place. It is quiet. 

Ah it hurts. These paintings that are Girl to my love. Girlfriend says she knows why the art arrived, because they are connected to Girl. They are the energy or essence of Girl, or whatever. That is why the colors caught her. That is why she could not forget them. That is why she bought both. And Girlfriend sits there, in the dark, staring staring staring at these stupid neon representations of her brand new, life-changing love. 

Girlfriend says Girl broke her open and set her free from the aching and pain she felt her whole life. Girlfriend says Girl brings her to tears. Girlfriend says Girl is probably from her home starseed planet, that is why Girl feels like everything she has been missing. Girlfriend says Girl makes her feel things she’s never felt in her life. 

Blah blah blah blah blah, good for you.

I don’t think Girlfriend understands the weight of her words. I don’t think she understands how much they sting. She has always been expressive, always wore her heart on her sleeve, and I have loved this about her. But now I wish she would shove her heart somewhere dark where I cannot see it, because I do not want to see it. I only want her heart on her sleeve when it is my name tattooed inside of it.

And what am I in this? What am I as the love of my life swirls and tumbles and weeps and is deathly obliterated by Girl’s presence? What am I when the world is slipping and sliding them together? How does one do this? How do I open my heart when it is screaming to be closed, how do I hold on to our life together when it has been upended, how do I believe in this path?

But I know this is the path. This is the way. I KNOW, I know this to be true, as my heart breaks wide open ten times an hour I know this to be true. And Spirit whispers:

Do not give up
Do not falter
Press on, dear child, press on
You are getting everything your heart desires
You are receiving all that you dream of

Have faith, dear child
This is not the end
The pain is temporary, but the rewards are great

Our queen, our love
This is the dawning of your light
This is the donning of your crown
This is death for rebirth
This is ashes and dust before the rising of the Phoenix

Trust us
Trust us
Trust us
Trust what you know to be true

(I despised the paintings for months, but I got over it. I love them now.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #10 of 45: “When Spirit Makes a Promise”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

ANOTHER NOTE: This series includes quite a bit of Spirit talking. And what I call “Spirit” refers to an inner voice, a higher voice, the Universe, my guides, something inside of me and beyond me. It is not a ghost.

I feel like I am drowning.

I cannot do this

I cannot do this

I cannot do this

It is unfair, and I cannot do this

There is too much being asked of me, and I cannot do this

I CANNOT DO THIS

But I am meditating, tears rolling down my cheeks, and I hear Spirit:

“On the other side is beauty, on the other side is radiance, on the other side is joy and freedom unimaginable. If you could only see the bliss just on the other side, you would delight in this moment. You are getting everything you want, trust, stay the course, you will emerge from this a diamond. This pain, it will be worth it. That is our promise to you. It will be absolutely, wholly worth it. It is not for you to understand in this moment, but you will see in time. You will see. TRUST.”

“If you could only see the bliss just on the other side, you would delight in this moment.” 

I repeat this to myself over and over, I write this in my journal, it becomes my flicker of light in the following days, weeks, months of darkness. I had no idea what the bliss would be. I had no idea what the journey to the other side would feel like, nor how long it would take, but I knew I was to find trust and keep finding trust. So I made that my mission. These words kept me moving forward. 

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #9 of 45: “Can’t Sleep”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend.

It seems Girl is saying she feels about you the way you feel about her. I heard it because I had my ear pressed to the door when she rushed over to answer you. 

She likes you too.

Duh, she likes you too.

I already knew she liked you too.

And now it is all out there and you are sky high, soaring with shooting stars, high-fiving the moon, and I am… What is the opposite of sky high? Oceans low? Deep seas low? I am deep seas low. The part of the sea where that creepy fish with the antennae flashlight lives. The Anglerfish. I am fucking floundering in the deep with the spooky-ass Anglerfish.

Can I believe in a feast of choices, that you will still choose me?

Can I believe in the midst of fresh infatuation, the sun beam of new romance, that you can see me at all?

Can I believe I can live without you?
Do I dare let you choose me every day?

Do I dare believe, without the rules and confines of monogamy and traditional relationships, that you will stay?

Can I relinquish all certainty where I feel most vulnerable?

How do I be okay?

How do I be okay?

What fresh hell is this? 

Where my crush looks to be falling in love with the love of my life, and the love of my life is falling for my crush, where is there to go, where is there to hide, how do I fucking be okay?

There is nowhere to run.

So I sit here with my heart pounding me awake.

I sit here in my pitch black fears.

I sit here naked and terrified, cold and alone.

I sit here with no path forward except straight into the pain. 

Just straight into the pain.

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