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That Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #25d: “5 Reasons Why #4 & #5 – We Really Wanted a Friend & It Was Meant to be”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

Reason #4: We Really Wanted a Friend

During this time we had few friends, almost none, and didn’t hang out with anyone. So it was like a dream come true, to have a third person, to have a new friend who we could run around with and talk to and laugh with. There is nothing really deep in this reason, I mean, we continue to want friends. Feel free to submit your resume.

Reason #5: It was meant to be. 

This experience was supposed to happen exactly when it happened and exactly how it happened. We both knew this through the whole thing, even when it was hard. We were following a path, we listened to the cards, we listened to signs, we listened to our own intuition, and while it was winding and confusing and kind of horrible, it all led us to where we needed to be.

We were meant to be attracted to Girl, obsessed with Girl, broken with Girl, put through the wringer with Girl. We uncovered so many gaping holes within ourselves and within our relationship that needed healing, and feeling absolutely fucked (not in a good way), absolutely decimated, absolutely stupid, absolutely worthless, absolutely broken hearted, absolutely empty, it was the medicine. Like I’ve said, we needed everything we were to be burned to the ground so we could rebuild, heal, and become new. If given the choice to go back, I would do everything exactly the same. 

In Conclusion

Those are five of the reasons we had such a hard time letting Girl go. As you read and perhaps become increasingly confused as to why Girl continued to be in our lives, or why I ever wanted to see her again, ever, just come back to this post and go “Oh yeah. That’s why.” 

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #25c: “5 Reasons Why #3 – We Wanted to be Heroes”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

Reason #3: We Wanted to be Heroes

Girlfriend and I both share, or shared, a deep desire to save people. To save them from their diets, from their terrible relationships, from their destructiveness, from their family, etc. I theorize this comes from a long-standing inability to save ourselves, so we projected savior mentalities out into the world. Girlfriend’s hero complex manifested in its own ways, mine came mostly in the form of codependency, trying to save this man and that man from their alcoholic-ness, from their father or mother hunger, from their traumatic childhood, etc. (As far as we know, this desire is now gone. We do not think we have the ability to save anyone, nor do we try.)

So when Girl shared sad secrets that made it seem like she really needed to be saved, ohhhhhhhhh we knew it was just the job for us. We strapped on our capes, laced our ninja boots, and took it upon ourselves to “save” her from everything we perceived was awry. To save her from unhappiness, from controlling men, from limiting beliefs, from unkind family, from all of the many people incapable of recognizing the gem she was, people who did not deserve her in their lives.

Ridiculous and grandiose notions. We don’t even know if any of the things we thought we were saving her from were real. 

But it was a HUGE part of it. So when we felt like she was being not-nice, when her stories seemed to not add up, when she’d say one thing and do the opposite, when her behavior increasingly suggested she wanted Girlfriend to herself, instead of creating boundaries we extended grace. We were so certain what she needed was love, we’d write off any peculiar behavior as stemming from her trauma, her hurts, “This poor thing, she just does not know better. She just needs more caring. She just needs to feel safe and know that we are here for her, no matter what.” We treated her like a feral cat who would stop scratching our arms up if we just loved it properly.

Despite being mostly cast aside, I made it a personal mission to give Girl the mothers love I believed she always deserved but did not receive. I forgave her endlessly. I’d apologize when I did nothing wrong. I’d be kind and compassionate and tell her she was amazing, tell her she was extraordinary, tell her to keep being her, that she was perfect. Always. I thought I could words-of-affirmation her into healing, love her into being a different person. I thought if I showed her that even if she stabbed me in the back, or even straight in the front, I would still love her, that I could break down her walls and help set her free.  I was… codependent as fuck And probably some other things. And so arrogant in it. And so lost in my own savior fantasy, my own concept of myself as some holy angel meant to heal her. So needy for the value that would come from being a knight in shining armor. It is so strange to think about now.

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #25b: “5 Reasons Why #2 – Insatiable Craving for External Validation”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

Reason #2: Insatiable Craving for External Validation

This all happened during a time we were starved for external validation. Attention. Compliments. Being thought of as cool. Showing off our skills. Being seen as having value, being seen as “above” on the ladder of hierarchy.

And Girl felt like a cat, at first. Guarded, mysterious, finicky, skittish. So of course, we were like “YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE!” because we are programmed to want what we cannot have. And then, when she finally came around, wow. What an explosion of love, though mostly for Girlfriend, but some of it leaked toward me in the first week or two. Our home is the first place that ever felt like home? Our love is the only unconditional love she’s ever tasted? Holy crap, we were hooked. We were also given magical, exclusive access. She’d show up almost daily, tell us stories that seemed like secrets only we had the privilege of knowing. The cat chose us, and we were so special. External validation flowing strong.

And for Girlfriend? Oh my gosh. The way Girl made her feel, at first? Girlfriend sat on a pedestal of pedestals, she was wisdom incarnate, she was a goddess and god, she was the physical manifestation of what had only been a fantasy, a veritable dream woman painting come to life, the motherfucking sun. And for Girlfriend, who moved from kingdoms where she was adored, respected, and held in great esteem, to our home with children who barely noticed she had any skills at all? Girl was the water to quench Girlfriend’s long-held thirst.

I mean, at least Girlfriend was love blitzed and had good reason to get attached. I was just next to the explosion, trying so hard to find scraps and crumbs for myself. Wanting Girl around just in hopes that she might give me something, might SEE me for even a second, might acknowledge that I was someone of merit, too. Which is why I did not want to lose her, because I’d lose access to any possible morsels of validation that I really really really wanted from the cat. I mean, Girl. Crazy. Pretty much an all-consuming desperation for her to tell me that I had value like Girlfriend. And an equal desperation for Girlfriend to tell me I had value like Girl. 

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #25a: “5 Reasons Why #1 – Unconsciously Repeating Toxic Patterns”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

If you are perplexed as to why we even wanted Girl around so much, I assure you, we were equally perplexed. We continued to be perplexed long after the experience, spending many hours late at night trying to figure out what had happened, and why. It took the better part of a year, tremendous personal growth, meetings with our therapist, shadow work, and meditation epiphanies for us to figure it out. Kind of.

Also, I am not here to speak at length about Girlfriend’s personal reasons for being obsessed with Girl. While I understand them, they are hers to discuss. I will, however, talk about Girlfriend’s reasons that overlap with my own.

Reason #1: Unconsciously Repeating Toxic Patterns

Girlfriend and I had very different upbringings, but we do share patterns of seeking relationships that hurt. For our own reasons, we are comfortable in chaos. Comfortable with worthlessness, instability, mistreatment, etc.

I grew up under the umbrella of rigid religion with a God who was ruthless, petty, terrified, conditional, cruel, self-centered, and obsessed with rules. While others claimed God felt like love, I didn’t understand, because to me God was a prison. And, for the most part, this is the kind of love I sought. Men who were controlling, jealous, narcissistic, and sources of great pain. Wounded men who did not love themselves, so had zero concept of how to love another person. Men who could validate how worthless I already felt while inspiring my most glorious displays of codependency. (I will insert that I did have one very nice boyfriend, he was an anomaly).

When Girlfriend and I first met, I suspect we were both unconsciously seeking our patterns. I thought she could be my next narcissist, and she thought I could be her next heart-breaking, hide-her straight girl. And our relationship was… rough from the get-go. Passionate, volatile, all over the place. But over the years we learned, healed, changed, and grew more stable. However, neither of us understood how to function in a stable relationship. So when we encountered Girl, I think we knew she could inject the incredible chaos and instability we were so accustomed to. 

And WOW did having Girl around deliver. Parts of us were addicted to the volatility of the experience, it felt like home, the heart-pumping chaos, the blood-boiling injustice, the infuriating inconsistencies, the seething desperation, the decimated trust, the vast uncertainty filling every moment of every day. We were not aware of it at the time, but it makes so much sense now. Our unhealed wounds craved familiarity, and Girl’s presence made our relationship familiar. I could seem controlling and irrational. Girlfriend could seem like an asshole. I could seem like I was going to duck and run. Girlfriend could seem like a narcissist. We both felt like we could break each other’s heart at any moment. And there was the pain of Girl herself, who was not easy to deal with. A shitshow all around.

It sounds like something we should have run from. And yes, we would not touch this kind of situation with a ten-foot pole NOW (or, at least, I hope we’d recognize it sooner and exit immediately). But back then? We didn’t know. We were not aware of how deep our wounds were. We were not aware of trying to recreate toxicity. We were not aware of what we were doing. We just knew that something inside of both of us wanted Girl in our lives SO BADLY it was almost impossible to let her go. She brought all the familiar pain.

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #24: “Moment of Clarity”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

An epiphany I had while very sick, and attempting to boost my immune system by lying down on the grass and dirt in the middle of the backyard. Yes, all the neighbors were like “What the?”

To Girlfriend:

I see it now.
I see it clear as day.
I think Girl is acting like my friend because I am yours.
And that is the only reason.
And Girl is not even doing a good job.

I think the truth of it is:
Girl does not care if she hurts me.
Girl is more than willing to hurt me.
Girl is eager to hurt me.

I do not matter
because Girl wants what she wants,
and there is nothing more to expect from her 
than this.

And the pain is holding what I think I know,
but seeing you want to give her everything,
wanting to spend a lifetime with her,
this girl who seemingly wishes 
I did not exist.
Perhaps wishes
you were alone.
and I know it,
and she knows it, 
and I feel like you know it, too.

That is why the Universe gave me perplexing feelings for her,
that is why the Universe draws me to her.
So I do not hate her.
So I do not despise her.
So I do not pluck her from our lives.
So I do not hurt her
the way she seems ready to hurt me.

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #23 :”More Angry Poem Rants”

by Angela

(NOTE: Pulled from a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

“Lost”

She is your muse.
She is your sunshine prism.
She is your diamond,
and I am your rock,
solid beneath your feet
carrying you so you may
reach your arms upwards to her.

Everything you do is for her,
your creations, your memes, your art,
so she sees, so she hears, so she knows,
and I am pushed to the edge of your universe,
a nameless star.

How do I do this?
How do I walk this broken-glass path, 
shards of everything I thought we were, of everything I thought I was.
How do I do this?
How do I breathe in and out 
with lungs made of lead, and air thick with the ashes
of our life that has been burned to the ground?
How do I move these bones rattling in my skin?
What do I do with this heart scraping my ribs,
scratching the flesh of my chest,
carving “THERE IS NO SAFETY HERE!”

There is no solace here.
There is no love here.
There is no her here.
There is no you here.
Just me.

Just me in this fucking empty hall
with no one to hear my knees hit the ground,
with no one to lament my shredded-flesh feet,
with no one to bandage my bleeding soul.

“No Power”

You both tell me I have the power
and I laugh, because what power is this?
To plunge you both into misery?
To switch off the warmth of your suns?
To submerge you into the pain I feel every damned second of every damned day?
The power to make you both resent me? To make you both hate me?
The power to take away “the person you’ve waited for your entire life?”
The power to make it impossible, so you leave me so it can be possible again?

THERE IS NO POWER HERE.

I have no power.

Dear Angels, dear Masters, dear Guardians, Mother Gaia,
how do I do this?
How do I show up tomorrow and the day after that?
How do I live this life where my love has become nothing?
How do I live in this Universe where the love of my life revolves around someone else?
How do I let this girl into my home?
How do I let her gifts sit on our shelves?
How do I speak to her when she rejects my words?

Our years have become a joke.
Waiting for this anniversary to come.
Waiting for what?
Blazing pain?
To watch you and her unable to get enough of each other?
To watch you and her drawn together like magnets?
To find out I am nothing after all?
To hear you say nice words, but see your actions betray you at every turn?
The actions that betray the lies you are living?

“She is just a friend.”
“She is just my muse.”
“She is just my crush.”
Yes, she is JUST the single reason for everything you fucking do and every thought you fucking think and there is NOTHING I can do. 

You do not see me. 
You do not hear me.
So I just keep walking, and hope I make it through.

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #22 of 45: “Heroin-Flavored Lollipop”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

So it may appear like Girlfriend was getting all of the goodies while I was losing the goodies I thought I had. 

BUT, it takes two to tango, so let’s take a peek at Girlfriend’s possible perspective.

Imagine Girlfriend has laid her eyes upon the most loveliest, most intriguing, most delectable, most coolest lollipop in all the land. And she was like “Oh my gosh babe, this lollipop is AMAZING, can I hang out with it?” to which I replied “Yes, you absolutely can hang out with it. Have a great time. Forge deep bonds. It looks delicious. You have my wholehearted blessing.”

Then, as time goes on, I realize I don’t like how much time Girlfriend spends with Lollipop, I don’t like how attached she’s becoming to Lollipop, I don’t like the whole house being sticky or that she always smells like strawberries.

BUT, I am deeply lacking in self-worth, rather codependent and people-pleaser-y plus fawn-y, and under the impression that Girlfriend is way better than me, way hotter than me, and is doing me massive favors by being with me, a dowdy, used up mother of three. I think she is the good-est looking, most badass creature in the entire world, and I cannot live without her, and so I try to be cool about it so she does not leave me. I try to be cool by arranging for them to hang out and encouraging their alone-time and saying super awesome things like “Lollipop can come over anytime!” and “Let’s definitely drop all of our plans for Lollipop at any moment!” and “Let’s buy Lollipop gifts!” and “Yeah, I guess I could tolerate Lollipop possibly living in our house someday.” 

However, in between all of the cool things, I am falling apart. I am having a fit in the garage. I am running to the corner of the street and crying under a big tree. I am beating our mattress with a guava stick. I am sitting on giant rocks in a preschool yard at 2am, shaking my fist at the stars. I am recording pissed-off videos. I am clearly not okay.

But then I force myself to be fine. I gather myself up, remember I am supposed to be perfect, and go back to saying mature-as-shit things like, “Why don’t you spend time with Lollipop while I grocery shop?” and “Let’s take Lollipop food on our date day!” and “Let’s help Lollipop have more money than we do!”

And then, of course, the falling apart in between. 

So you can see how it could be confusing.

NOW, imagine Lollipop is, uh, heroin-flavored. Or whatever the most addictive drug is. (This is not real, no one did any hard drugs, we have no idea what heroin tastes like). And so when I get to the point of “I am losing my shit, I cannot do this anymore, I don’t want to be around Lollipop,” Girlfriend does not seem to be able to stop. She can’t lose Lollipop now. I can’t tell her she can have Heroin Lollipop, encourage her to be addicted to heroin Lollipop, then tell her she needs to throw heroin Lollipop in the garbage and not have any heroin Lollipops ever again. That is not nice.

PLUS, even though I voiced my displeasure, I also repeatedly wavered and backtracked because I also have a weird addiction to Heroin Lollipop and find myself constantly taking back my words, apologizing, saying it was all my fault, and inviting Lollipop over. Even though it kind of seems like Lollipop is trying to steal my partner and screw up my life, I so desperately want Lollipop still in it.

And if I, the cast-out one feeling ignored and run over, still wants Lollipop around… Can you imagine how Girlfriend must have felt as the one Lollipop appeared to actually be obsessed with?

I hope this was helpful.

(NOTE: If you are all wondering WHY we were ever so attached to her, I will attempt to explain this in a later post)

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #21: “Go On Your Dumb Hike”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend

Girl seems to want to spend time alone with you. She claims she wants alone time with each of us, but you are the one she is suggesting the super-long-out-in-nowhere hike to. My texts are empty. As usual. You are so drugged under her spell you don’t seem to see it, what she is doing. Though maybe it’s not that you don’t see it, it’s that you refuse to admit it.

I see it. It feels like Girl is trying to separate us, trying to get you isolated, trying to remove me from the picture. I suspect she is plying you with words you want to hear, claiming to care about me, claiming to care about BOTH of us. I don’t think I am important to Girl, I don’t think she gives a shit about me. I suspect this woman will run me over if it gets her to you faster, and it feels like you are letting her. 

What do I feel? 

Love and hatred butting heads, the call to shut down, the call to spiral into a rage and let my base emotions fly unfiltered.

I want to declare “FUCK YOU BOTH and crush everything you each hold dear.

I want to erase the past five years with a pocketknife, to scratch out every memory we ever made.

I want to hold you still and scream “YOU ARE CAUSING ME PAIN EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF THE GOD DAMNED DAY YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE!!!”

But why?

Do I even have reason to feel this way?

Nothing is actually “happening,” you both say you are “just friends.”

And everytime you say that it makes me want to scream.

Because I feel you trying to make plans without me, trying to spend time without me, texting without me, talking without me, hours and hours and hours practically every single day, and everything feels like the two of you shining with your connection and me fading into the void.

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #20: “I Will Live”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend

Last night I fell apart 

because I saw a map of your new world

and she was in the center.

It took me hours

just to find my name.

We stopped sleeping with our phones a year ago, choosing to not slumber in pure EMF soup, but now your phone is missing from its overnight cushion. I know where it is. It is in your hand, or beside you, or glowing somewhere near your head, EMF-ing your brain, just so you do not miss a single text from her. 

It seems your whole day and mood are determined by Girl’s actions. And it makes me angry, watching you in the palm of her hand. It makes me angry, seeing you seemingly controlled and manipulated. I am angry at her. I am angry at you. I am angry at me for being angry. I am angry at me for still being here.

So I focus on the kids, I talk with them, I laugh with them, I find a little joy, I find myself again for a minute, outside of you. I find space, and in the space a little peace. 

It is what it is, and exactly how it should be, and I am searching for how I can be happy right now with life just as it is? And there it is. Calm.

I fear the imminent return of sadness, the return of pain, but I do not want to live from fear. I want to live from love. And I know pain is temporary, I know I am strong enough for this, I know I can do this, whatever this is. I am a Warrior Queen, and I will live.

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That Hard, Bizarre Thing #19: “The Real Reason is Fear”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend, here are two fear-based reasons I persist in this experience.

REASON #1:

You say you may not be capable of monogamy, and maybe the reason why we are in this, why I agree to this, why I push for this, is because I am afraid I am not capable of monogamy either.

I have, after all, a stunning track record of cheating on almost every partner I have ever had. So how can I be monogamous if I am so dreadful at it? 

So I tell myself I can do this, because someday I may need you to do this for me. 

I tell myself I want you to be happy, because someday I may need you to want for me to be happy in this same way.

I want to know that if I accidentally fall in love with someone else, you will still love me. Because I still loved you.

REASON #2:

I am lovable because of what I do.

The more I do, the more special I am. The more special I am, the more you will love me.

I have to always make sure I am doing more than you, significantly more, because then I am extra special and how can you leave someone who is extra special?

What if I cook all of your food? Special.

What if I wash and fold your laundry even though you tell me not to? Special.

What if I paint rooms in the house all by myself, order new furniture all by myself, assemble the furniture all by myself, and make the house ten times nicer all by myself, declining your offers to help? Special.

What if I write brilliantly and people love my words? Special.

What if I learn your arts and dive into them as deeply as you? Special.

But there are others who can do more than me. So am I not as special as they are? Could you leave me for someone who does even more? Someone more special? 

Well then. What if… What if I let you fall in love with other people? What if I can be okay with you sleeping with other people? What if I can be so mature and so sophisticated and so contemporary and so damn cool you can go on dates and stay the night at another girl’s place and come home to me and I am not only fine, I am happy for you? 

Super. Fucking. Special.

And how could you ever leave?

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