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That Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #8 of 45: “And It’s Real”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend,

Tonight I am doing something I have never done, doing something that has made me nervous for a month, yet I said it was okay for you two to hang out in the car. I said it was fine for you to not be with me. I wanted you to make the most of your time with Girl, because time is limited, and I know she makes you happy, and I know you make her happy, and I feel so much pull between you two, what can I do but support this joy? What can I do when she seems to blow off her plans to be with you? What can I do when it looks like she beelines for you, and you both disappear before I can show you how my red shoes match my glasses?

But it stings that you come around for only ten minutes, it stings that you spend three hours with her and none with me. That it feels like you choose her over me all night. Even though I told you to. I am doing that thing where I tell you to do something, but hope you’ll guess what I really want. Where I tell you something is okay, but it is not. How dare you listen to what I say with my mouth and not what I am thinking silently in my mind. 

It stings when I come to the car for a jacket and you are both in the back, because for a moment I think you have rocketed forward in your relationship, I think you are making out or even past that, and I am filled with new horror. I am angry. I am sad. It hits me like ice pressed against my heart and I lose my breath, I lose my voice, I am losing my mind. Even when the door opens and you are just sitting there, I sense the lights dancing in both your eyes and want to scream, want to cry. I feel it. I feel the wanting. But I do not say anything. I take the jacket, force an empty smile, turn around sharply and walk away.

I think about the roles being reversed, if it was me, what I might want. How I’d want you to support me. How I’d want you to feel about it, how I’d want you to be generous and cool and graceful. I think about how, even if I was lost in the dream and fresh-ness of her, I’d still love you so very much, and so I try. I try to feel okay. And it is so fucking hard to feel okay when my partner seems to be falling for someone else, and when that someone else, who I also am kinda falling for, seems to be falling for my partner. Everyone falling, but no one for me to catch, and no one to catch me.

So I return to my thing, chest empty, arms empty, spirit empty. I feel feelings I have not felt in a very long time. I want to drink until I am staggering down the road, cold wind against my cheeks, feeling like I could die. I want to dance into oblivion, until I cannot remember who you are or who I am or who I thought we were or who I hoped I could be to either of you. I throw myself at some guy, wrapping my arms around him like he is my life preserver, but I do not give a shit about him, I just want to be gone. I want to be moved by someone other than you and her, I want to be desired, I want to be valued, I want to be seen. You show up when I am still in his arms with your cheeks still glowing from her.

You relay your conversation with Girl, and it seems she has been pushing you to tell her. She is asking, asking, asking, and I tell you she clearly wants you to admit your feelings, wants you to admit the REAL reason why you are nervous around her. It also sounds like she is offering hope and possibility, like she could be available for you, like there is a door cracked open. And you want to walk through it, you want to tell her you have a crush on her, I can see you wanting, more than anything, to go through this door. To her.

But you ask me first if you should, you ask me if it is okay and I don’t want you to, and it is NOT okay, and I don’t want this to move any further, but it must, it must, I know it must because to stop now is to stop halfway across a bridge, midway through investigation, clues spread everywhere and not an answer to be found. To stop now will always leave questions, to stop now will be to miss the learning of this journey, to stop now means holding the fear that you might be mad at me forever. That you are with me because I force you to be with me. That you will always be wondering what lies outside of the lines of our relationship. So I tell you to tell her, tell her TELL HER. And you do. And you do. And it seems she likes you too. Well, of course, who wouldn’t?

Fucking fantastic.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #7 of 45: “The Cards Say”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

In the excitement of all that Girl is, and the seemingly unlimited possibilities before us, Girlfriend and I pull out tarot and oracle cards because surely they are going to say we are meant to be a trio, and everything is going to be so great, and this connection will last forever, and make us so so so so so happy. Fully expecting to pull the 3 of Cups, The Lovers, probably The Sun, the 10 of Cups, and 2 of Cups for good measure. 

But Girlfriend’s spread does not say that. In fact, Girlfriend’’s cards include two main points. One, that she is everything Girl is afraid to desire AND everything Girl desires, like a luscious, tantalizing forbidden fruit. Two, that Girlfriend’s relationship with Girl is going to be chaotic, painful, and full of regret. 

This is not the spread Girlfriend was expecting (though she does like the part about being forbidden fruit), and she suggests it makes no sense that chaos and regret could possibly come from connecting with such a beautiful soul. (This later becomes a running joke. Much later.)

As for my spread, it says my relationship with Girl can be difficult, there lies some challenging stuff ahead, but ultimately I will be fine. I am definitely not everything she desires, or anything she desires (though she may very well desire what I possess), but I will be A-okay. I will emerge, eventually, on top in some way and my advice is to not get caught comparing myself to Girl because that will drive me crazy. We are perplexed by how somewhat boring and mundane my spread is, and how crazily dramatic and dark Girlfriend’s is.

We end with a spread on non-monogamy. Is this the right path? Should we be going in this direction? Is it wise to open up our relationship? The spread says YES, absolutely pursue this. Absolutely walk this road. But it also says there will be obstacles, there will be great jealousy, there will be overwhelming pain and anguish, there will be Tower endings and Death rebirth, BUT, but, it will ultimately lead to joy, stability, tranquility, gratitude, blessed transformation, and the birthing of dreams. We choose to downplay all the messages saying it will be hard, and focus on the goodies. Think positive, right?

Speaking of downplaying, further down the road Girl asks me to do a spread on the three of us, but I am in a rush and mostly highlight the nice stuff in the end. That it is all going to be great, it is meant to be, everything will be worth it. However, as I later look it over I see our trio is full of trials and tribulations, loss, pain, deception, and darkness that will eventually lead to strength, peace, and invaluable personal growth. 

The cards, I tell you.

The cards are always on point.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #6 of 45: “Weirdest Crush Ever”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

I have a crush on Girl that makes no sense. I want to be around her, I want to be in the same room, I want to be in the same orbit, I want her near me as much as possible and it is illogical in every way.

Illogical because I am not physically attracted to her.

Illogical because our conversations feel awkward and stunted.

Illogical because of the eggshells beneath my feet.

Illogical because it is based on absolutely nothing but feeling like I NEED her to SEE ME so so badly, and NEED to nurture her so so so SO badly.

An oddly platonic infatuation. What a strange place to be.

I have an overwhelming desire to be special to her. Why?

Why does her attention mean so much to me?

Why does it feel like her approval is the most important thing in the world?

Why do I want to give her things?

Why do I want to make her feel special?

Why do I want Girlfriend in this too?

Why do I tolerate her at all after already sensing her connection with Girlfriend and how this could go very badly?

Why does her opinion matter to me?

Is it because Girlfriend is interested? Is it the thrill of both of us crushing over someone for funsies? Is it pointing an arrow to a gaping hole of desperation in me? Are these feelings even mine? Am I just mirroring Girlfriend’s feelings? Is it because I feel I must like Girl to make it okay that Girlfriend likes her? Is it because I feel like if I can get her to see me I am not worthless? Am I so hungry for friendship? Is Girl a voodoo queen? Am I just crazy? 

WHYYYYYYYYY?!!

But whatever. It is what it is. So that is why it is okay Girlfriend hangs out in the car with Girl. It is okay Girlfriend tells her we are non-monogamous. It is okay Girl says she can only stay with Girlfriend for a moment, then stays for hours. It is okay this first bit of them-alone-car-time turns into a shit ton of them-alone-car-time. It is okay they are both certain they’ve spent past lives together. It is okay Girlfriend is giddy and talking nonstop about Girl.

It is okay.

It is okay.

Is it okay?

It is okay.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #5 of 45: “The First Supper”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girl,

It has taken us weeks to get you here, from the first invitation you kept avoiding, to Girlfriend throwing caution to the wind, asking you outright, and you finally saying yes. We are giddy, we are excited, I am cleaning the whole house, I am organizing the crystals above the toilet, I am rearranging the books on our bookshelf, I am feverishly chopping up my “Bonanza of Exotic Asian Fruits.” We cannot believe you are finally emerging from your impenetrable fortress and gracing our home, we cannot believe you are going to be here, like the greatest prize in the world cause you are just. The. Coolest. 

So now you are here in our safe haven and you seem nervous. Is it because we don’t have furniture to sit on?  Is it because you can feel how much we want you to like us? Is it because I put out candles for light, and now the room is weirdly romantic?

I feel you are looking a lot at Girlfriend, gauging her reactions and facial expressions, seemingly searching for validation in her eyes. You do not look for the same from me. Girlfriend is equally nervous with you here and barely eats a thing even though I’ve prepared her favorite foods. And I sense it, already, the two of you abuzz with each other, your energies pointed toward each other, your eyes catching each other’s, your bodies angled toward each other. I feel it heavy on my body like a thick woolen sweater far scratchier than I thought it would be.

And what am I doing? What role am I playing here? Why am I cleaning up the kitchen while you hang out in the garage? The garage I tidied, on the bench I cleared, under the lights I strung up, like my purpose is to create perfect environments for your budding friendship-relationship-whatever? The fuck, Angela.

I did not know how much it would cost to break through your walls. I did not know what I wanted so much would be the beginning of days and months I did not want at all. I would say I should have left you behind your defenses, left you distanced from us, left you a stranger to our home but there is nothing I would trade. Nothing I would trade for the person I have become. For the people we have become. Ultimately worth it.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #4 of 45: “Cake Reels”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present)

Girlfriend and Girl seem to be sending cake reels to each other. No one is sending cake reels to me, but that is fine. That is fine because we’ve been a bit lonely and could use some friends and company that is not us or our children.

NOTE: To help you understand how desperate we were for people… You know how when you are absolutely famished, like you spent two hours working out at the gym and it is already 4pm and you have not eaten since the night before because you are trying intermittent fasting cause some Instagram expert with abs suggested it, and your stomach is like “FEED ME OR YOU MIGHT DIE”? And then suddenly the egg salad sandwich at the gas station store is looking mighty fine? And you are like “Holy shit, I need that sandwich more than anything else in the whole wide world?” That is kinda how we felt, but with people. I could write pages about the many not-at-all-aligned-with-us people we attempted to befriend around this time, I may do that later. But you get it, right? We were starved for people. And external validation. Which usually comes from people.

To Girl,

You and Girlfriend are texting, which feels exciting, which feels like a small victory because there is a connection, there is interest. You are sending cake reels, laughing and talking, and it is fun, it is fun that you are paying attention to Girlfriend, because I think this means you are paying attention to US.

And it is okay you and I are not texting, we have a different sort of relationship, right? A more in-person relationship, which is why you seem rather uninterested in texting with me, yes? So you can text Girlfriend and maybe someday you’ll come over? Maybe someday you’ll be our real-life friend? Maybe someday you’ll be the third a trio of special connections, you’ll laugh with us, you’ll dance with us, you’ll watch movies with us, you’ll read books with us, you’ll hop in our car whenever we go anywhere, you’ll be our favorite friend that we kind of have a little crush on but mostly just enjoy being around. Doesn’t that sound FUN? 

(NOTE TO PAST ANGELA: NOT FUN. It is not going to be fun, it is going to super suck. Isn’t it bizarre how excited you were at this time? Isn’t it crazy how much you craved her attention? Isn’t it cute how completely naive you were? You’re not going to even be able to look at cake reels for months because they’ll feel like little knives stabbing you in the intestines. You’ll be okay, though. You will forgive cake, because cake did not actually do anything to you. You will even start watching The Great British Bake Off, which features lots and lots of cake.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #3: “And She Appeared”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

I did not see it coming, the storm.

I did not recognize the whip of the winds,

the bend of the trees,

the clouds swollen with water,

readying to cry.

I did not feel the twist of the Earth,

nor the quiet of the creatures 

as they slipped into burrows

too small for my bones.

I noticed her existence before Girlfriend did. I was on the toilet looking at my phone when Girl’s name jumped out at me and scrawled itself on my frontal lobe. I found her photo on Instagram, and when we arrived, there she was. I watched her twist awkwardly on a yoga mat, wondered if she did a lot of yoga, then took my attention elsewhere. She was a stranger. Inconsequential. Benign.

So what inside me decided she was special?

What inside of Girlfriend took note?

How was this the beginning of a crazy-as-fuck year?

I think the Universe said “I am going to start you on an intensive. You asked to face your shadows? I’m going to bring you to your shadows. But I need a tool, and here she is.” 

I think she could have been anyone. Or maybe not, maybe we have a soul contract stating she shows up in various lifetimes, shakes shit up, then disappears. That she wakes us from our slumber so we can remember more of who we are and why we are here. I don’t know. Maybe we’ve all just tormented each other for countless earth visits and we keep doing it.

Whatever the case, she appeared and everything changed. 

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #2 of 45: “What if We Were Non-Monogamous?”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

Girlfriend and I are queer and weird. People raise eyebrows, and sometimes voices, at many of our choices:

“You don’t have normal jobs?!!”

“You raise your kids how?!!”
“You don’t watch the news or vote?!!”

“You don’t eat meat? Or CHEESE?!!”

“You don’t have a living room?!!”

That is not even the weird stuff, people. That is the surface stuff.

Since we were already existing outside of society’s boxes, and perpetually seeking greater freedom, we thought what if… What if we also “crossed the line” with our relationship? What if we were, gasp, non-monogamous?

Could we step beyond traditional relationships? Could our love be so deep and so strong we could relinquish ownership and share each other with other people? Could we be so expansive in our connection that we live beyond the bounds of what is “proper?” Could we find peace in this thing purported to be horrible, shameful, unacceptable, reviled?

It sounds open-minded and grand. But really, I think we were bored and going a bit stir-crazy. I think we wanted to shake things up. I think our relationship had a lot of weak points, but instead of healing them it seemed easier and more exciting to distract ourselves. So we began to throw out hypotheticals like:

“What if we had crushes on other people, is that okay?”

“What if I made out with some hot chick at a club, is that okay?”

“What if we went on dates with other people, is that okay?”

“What if Danielle Haim met me, was totally into me, and wanted to take me away for the weekend on her private jet, is that okay?”

“What if Chef Melissa was at a party and held mistletoe above my head and we made out in the hall then became best friends, is that okay?”

Easy things to say lying together in bed, completely safe and sheltered. All hypothetical, all up in the air, all curiosity and nothing in place. No boundaries created, and no agreements formed other than “I suppose we could try it someday, I suppose we could consider this door open and see where it takes us.” 

I recall even saying these words: “I don’t even know if I really get jealous.” This is HILARIOUS. Because I do. Ohhhh, I do.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #1 of 45: “Introduction”

by Angela

There are harder things in this world. There are more bizarre things in this world. But we are not here for comparative suffering, we are here to talk about my hard, bizarre experience.

It was hard to journey into the realm of non-monogamy.

It was hard to experience the love of my life be in love with someone else.

It was hard to also have confused feelings for the someone else.

It was hard to force transcendence, to try to prove my worth by attempting to be so damn cool about everything, only to fail and fail and fail. 

It was hard to be reduced to blankness, and find myself in the void. 

Nothing technically happened. Nothing that “counts,” there was no hanky panky, they did not kiss, they did not book a hotel for the weekend, they barely even touched. And yet… And yet it felt like the dissolution of my entire world. It did not matter to me that they were not physical, there were times I wished they had a torrid affair so I could know I had a right to feel everything I felt. Because it is hard to explain that “The love and longing I see radiating between you two, even though you do not touch, even though you say you are just friends, is strangling me.” But that is what it was.

However, the hard thing also turned out to be the best, most necessary thing. I needed to be burned to the ground so I could be born new. We needed to be burned to the ground so we could be born new.

I do believe everything was divinely orchestrated. I could feel the wheels of the Universe turning, intangible forces funneling and guiding. The experience arrived with such force I could not say no, and left with such force I could not say no. It was not under my control.  

No one is at fault in this story. No one is right, and no one is wrong. There is no hero and no villain, no victim and no perpetrator. Simply an experience that was absolutely gutting, and while we tend to label all painful experiences as “BAD BAD BAD, SHOULD NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, EVER,” they can also be the most transformative, glorious evolutions.

Please note I will often seem very angry (more like enraged/furious/livid/insane) and/or very sad (hopeless/desperate/despondent) because that is how I felt at the time. Much of it is also pulled from writing composed during the experience, so will sound like it is happening now. IT IS NOT HAPPENING NOW. I no longer feel angry and sad. Which may be hard to believe, but it is true.

It began with some wishes sent out to the Universe:

“I want to face my shadows so I may love myself wholly. I want to experience awakening and healing, so I may become all I am meant to be.”

The Universe heard me and said “Okay.”

Then whispered “Here she comes.”

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