(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)
I have a crush on Girl that makes no sense. I want to be around her, I want to be in the same room, I want to be in the same orbit, I want her near me as much as possible and it is illogical in every way.
Illogical because I am not physically attracted to her.
Illogical because our conversations feel awkward and stunted.
Illogical because of the eggshells beneath my feet.
Illogical because it is based on absolutely nothing but feeling like I NEED her to SEE ME so so badly, and NEED to nurture her so so so SO badly.
An oddly platonic infatuation. What a strange place to be.
I have an overwhelming desire to be special to her. Why?
Why does her attention mean so much to me?
Why does it feel like her approval is the most important thing in the world?
Why do I want to give her things?
Why do I want to make her feel special?
Why do I want Girlfriend in this too?
Why do I tolerate her at all after already sensing her connection with Girlfriend and how this could go very badly?
Why does her opinion matter to me?
Is it because Girlfriend is interested? Is it the thrill of both of us crushing over someone for funsies? Is it pointing an arrow to a gaping hole of desperation in me? Are these feelings even mine? Am I just mirroring Girlfriend’s feelings? Is it because I feel I must like Girl to make it okay that Girlfriend likes her? Is it because I feel like if I can get her to see me I am not worthless? Am I so hungry for friendship? Is Girl a voodoo queen? Am I just crazy?
WHYYYYYYYYY?!!
But whatever. It is what it is. So that is why it is okay Girlfriend hangs out in the car with Girl. It is okay Girlfriend tells her we are non-monogamous. It is okay Girl says she can only stay with Girlfriend for a moment, then stays for hours. It is okay this first bit of them-alone-car-time turns into a shit ton of them-alone-car-time. It is okay they are both certain they’ve spent past lives together. It is okay Girlfriend is giddy and talking nonstop about Girl.
It is okay.
It is okay.
Is it okay?
It is okay.