lesbianrelationship

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

Today was a good day, I felt good, I felt stable, I felt happy, I felt like a miracle occurred that I could feel this happy after our break-up and un-break-up only days ago. I felt like my own fucking hero, like I was a god soaring above the usual pitfalls of human emotion, on my way to ultimate ascension with my newly expanded heart and infinite mind. You know, really feeling myself.

Then tonight, out of nowhere, a little piece of my heart closed in, setting off a domino effect of shutdown. Not triggered by anything in particular, it just started folding in on itself and kept doing it until it was a tiny, origami something-flat-and-tight. I felt sad, but for no reason. I felt heavy, but gravity had not changed.

Then I remembered. I remembered the feeling of standing out on the street in the rain with my hand spread open, palms up, asking “WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS PAIN?!!”

I remembered like it was only four weeks ago, cause it was, and it swirled in my emotions like paint in water.

Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget, How to forget? Time, I suppose. And gratitude? Intentional focus? Maybe just breathing and breathing and breathing the memory away? Maybe sitting down and writing on the computer instead of letting last month’s heartbreak squeeze my lungs until I am hunched over? Maybe sharing with all you, even though all of you are not here yet because I have not created my blog or anything I am supposed to be creating?

I have never successfully rebuilt a relationship that felt broken. I have never wanted to. So this will be my first, if I figure out how.

If I lay down my umbrella
will no boots drop from the sky?
If I sheath my sword,
will no foe leap from the shadows?
If I let the warmth of the sunlight
ripple across my skin,
will I not remember the pain of last winter
or fear its bitter return?
Am I safe?
Am I safe?
Am I safe?

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend,

I have spent years pouring myself into this relationship, this life, trying to be desirable to you. Trying to convince you that you want this life with me, to create an environment beckoning you to be all in, for you to decide to draw your foot in from the door and close it.

So when you decided you needed non-monogamy and you needed to pursue possibilities with Girl, I wanted to give it to you. Because maybe, finally, if I could provide this, if I could show I could give you ultimate freedom, then maybe you’d finally stop feeling trapped, maybe you’d finally see my worth, maybe I would finally be enough.

But it was too big, too fast, too obsessive, too painful, and I found I could not do it. This all-consuming relationship you both called a friendship. So I asked for modification, I said I did not want to be around you two anymore, I said I no longer wanted her in our home, I said you could continue your so-called friendship, but not with me present. 

And OHHHHhhhh, it seemed I asked too much. Because now she has distanced herself from you and you seem to be broken, you said you’ve lost your muse, you said you have no desire to do anything at all, yet cannot comprehend why your compulsive orbit around her hurt me. Cannot understand how your current despair and heartbreak is evidence that it was not just a friendship by any means. 

I am done trying to make you happy, because it is an impossible task. I do not give a shit about keeping her, and I am done trying to keep you.

Love,
Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

I have been counting down the days till this anniversary since our last one, we both have been. Ten more months, 9 more months, 5 more months, 8 weeks, 7 weeks, 6 weeks, then Girl showed up and what was the point of all that counting?

I am so over it.
It is time to return to me.
Get my life together, pour my love into the children, take care of the home.
Build my projects, get my creations off the ground.
Take care of my body.

You can keep orbiting her like she is the only planet in the whole galaxy and you are her moon, you can keep texting her, visiting with her, talking about her, but I am done. I am done being caught in your gravity. I need to live.

It is all changed now, our relationship. It is changed, so much has been lost, and I do not know what to make of it. I do not know what to make of our plans for the future when you are so easily swayed. I do not know what to do when you are my biggest source of pain. I do not know what to do when you say you might just be incapable of monogamy and that is the end of it. 

But it does not matter, because I have me.

I have me, the children have me, and if that is all we have then so be it. If you are half checked out, then so be it. I have my period one week early, I am so sick, I am afraid of running out of money, I am afraid of being alone. But I do not need to be afraid. The Universe has my back and I now know what I have not known before.

I can live without you.

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend,

What hurts the most.

It may be the realization I was wrong. I thought I was the special core of your world, an unshakeable center held and cherished. That storms could come, waves could rise and crash, winter could fall bitterly cold, fires could tear across the land, but in it all I would be unharmed. Protected. Sheltered. You would never let me burn to the ground. You would never tolerate my pain. Woe to anyone who tried to hurt me, they would have to deal with you.

So it shook me. It shook me when you found a new center and I was pushed out of orbit, left to find my own way. It shook me when I was standing before you, in pain, in heartbreak, in desperation, losing myself, heart bloody in my hands, and your eyes could not see me. You would not protect me, you protected her first. And now I feel you are willing to demolish me for Girl. To annihilate me for Girl. To sacrifice our entire life for Girl. I am not the princess I thought I was. And you are not the protector I thought you were. 

What is crazy is you say you still love me, that you have not stopped loving me. You say you still want me in your life, you still want our life, but your words mean so little when I am wholly eclipsed by the blazing, intoxicating glory of what is new, of her. I find myself standing in shadow, alone, drifting through the darkness and freezing void of space, when I was so certain I was your sun. This does not feel like love.

You are capable of hurting me. You are capable of tossing me aside. You are capable of taking someone else and making them everything. You are capable of being so blind I could unravel right in front of you and you will do nothing. You are capable of watching me die to save Girl instead. I do not know if these things are true, but they FEEL true. And it sucks.