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nonmonogamy

RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #26: “Girrrrrrrl…”

by Angela

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

I wrote a letter to Girl. It was a very nice letter. Maybe too nice. Possibly disgustingly nice. A letter in which I heaped a bunch of blame on my own head, piled her with compliments, then insisted she continue being exactly as she was even though I kind of wanted her to go away. I may have written a few of these, actually.

I spent a lot of time being angry at Girlfriend, and some time being mad at Girl, but on a much smaller level. Anger at Girl would come and go, rise and fall, and it was not until much later, when I felt I could see her more clearly, that I became pissed. And that was mostly because I felt stupid. So very stupid. However, I think there is never reason to regret being kind, and I was generally hella kind. So maybe I didn’t need to feel stupid.

I tried to understand Girl. She seemed like someone with a lot of pain that created a lot of protections. I suspected these protections had been there since she was a child, and I wished I had been there to love her as a child, to wrap my arms around her, to keep her safe, to look into her eyes and say “You are enough.” But maybe that’s a dumb idea and she did not need any of these things. Maybe her life was just fine the way it was. While I have many theories about Girl, I do not know if they are accurate or true, because how would I know? I’d have to read her therapist’s notes, assuming the therapist is very thorough and has excellent handwriting. But I don’t recall her having a therapist.

There are so many things I could write about Girl. The things she said, the things she did, my perception of her part in all of this, my perception of her general existence and choices. In fact, I have written many things in private, some more raw than others, some more livid than others, some with a lot of name-calling, but I realize this story is about Girlfriend and I, and Girl is just a character in it. Even though she was the catalyst and force, this series is not about her. It took me a while to figure that out.

Though I do wonder sometimes:

Dear Girl,

Was anything you said ever true?

Love,
Angela

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #23 :”More Angry Poem Rants”

by Angela

(NOTE: Pulled from a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

“Lost”

She is your muse.
She is your sunshine prism.
She is your diamond,
and I am your rock,
solid beneath your feet
carrying you so you may
reach your arms upwards to her.

Everything you do is for her,
your creations, your memes, your art,
so she sees, so she hears, so she knows,
and I am pushed to the edge of your universe,
a nameless star.

How do I do this?
How do I walk this broken-glass path, 
shards of everything I thought we were, of everything I thought I was.
How do I do this?
How do I breathe in and out 
with lungs made of lead, and air thick with the ashes
of our life that has been burned to the ground?
How do I move these bones rattling in my skin?
What do I do with this heart scraping my ribs,
scratching the flesh of my chest,
carving “THERE IS NO SAFETY HERE!”

There is no solace here.
There is no love here.
There is no her here.
There is no you here.
Just me.

Just me in this fucking empty hall
with no one to hear my knees hit the ground,
with no one to lament my shredded-flesh feet,
with no one to bandage my bleeding soul.

“No Power”

You both tell me I have the power
and I laugh, because what power is this?
To plunge you both into misery?
To switch off the warmth of your suns?
To submerge you into the pain I feel every damned second of every damned day?
The power to make you both resent me? To make you both hate me?
The power to take away “the person you’ve waited for your entire life?”
The power to make it impossible, so you leave me so it can be possible again?

THERE IS NO POWER HERE.

I have no power.

Dear Angels, dear Masters, dear Guardians, Mother Gaia,
how do I do this?
How do I show up tomorrow and the day after that?
How do I live this life where my love has become nothing?
How do I live in this Universe where the love of my life revolves around someone else?
How do I let this girl into my home?
How do I let her gifts sit on our shelves?
How do I speak to her when she rejects my words?

Our years have become a joke.
Waiting for this anniversary to come.
Waiting for what?
Blazing pain?
To watch you and her unable to get enough of each other?
To watch you and her drawn together like magnets?
To find out I am nothing after all?
To hear you say nice words, but see your actions betray you at every turn?
The actions that betray the lies you are living?

“She is just a friend.”
“She is just my muse.”
“She is just my crush.”
Yes, she is JUST the single reason for everything you fucking do and every thought you fucking think and there is NOTHING I can do. 

You do not see me. 
You do not hear me.
So I just keep walking, and hope I make it through.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #13: “Three is a Crowd”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present. My present relationship is completely  monogamous.)

“Just when you think you are sooooo strong, a young woman blows into your life and you find you are brittle as leaves in the Fall” – Me

NOTE: This was written the day after discovering Girl felt something for me, too. The chariot of anxiety came in QUICK. 

When there are three people. Suddenly the relationship is not your own. There is another player. I could feel whatever I feel, but there is also Girlfriend and her vast influence, and everyone has to be on board for it to work, and it is a large thing to go from two to three in such a vulnerable place.

This place. The questioning of being around Girl and how we alter. I see it in Girlfriend and it frightens me how concerned she seems to now be about what I share, what I say, what I reveal about her when she did not care before. Suddenly I feel I need to edit my words, edit my openness, edit my writing, and I don’t like it. 

I see it in me as well, the pull to put on some sort of show. I question my words, my expressions, my articulation, my stories, everything I am doing. What will Girl think? How will Girl view me? Will I lose her? Will I lose them? Is everything I am saying empty and dumb?

I fear my past is too pristine, my stories too nice, my understanding too small and privileged and fortunate. I fear I have no place. I fear I am on the outside. I fear I am not enough. But I will fight to not let this change me. I will fight to say the words I have always meant to say, dare to share all that is me, dare to let myself be seen and ask to be loved just the way I am. Just the way I am… Have I ever been just the way I am? Do I even know what that is?

The fear. The fear that comes with having something I feel like I am not supposed to have. To have something I feel unworthy of, to have something everyone says should not exist, to have something that is seemingly so leading edge and glorious and brilliantly shining that it is terrifying because how does one survive the loss of something this grand? 

It feels like I have been gifted a pegasus in a world that says they do not exist. And now I am so afraid she will be taken away and my life will always be missing a pegasus, my life will suffer from a pegasus-shaped hole forever even though, just a little bit ago, I had no idea I even wanted one.

(NOTE: Throwing this in here in case anyone is becoming confused. We were never a throuple, Girlfriend and Girl were never officially dating or in a romantic relationship, there was nothing official about any of this. But there were lots and lots and lots of feelings that made it all FEEL very real. I am sure many of you have been in not-official relationships that felt very real. If you have not, then good for you.)

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #10 of 45: “When Spirit Makes a Promise”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

ANOTHER NOTE: This series includes quite a bit of Spirit talking. And what I call “Spirit” refers to an inner voice, a higher voice, the Universe, my guides, something inside of me and beyond me. It is not a ghost.

I feel like I am drowning.

I cannot do this

I cannot do this

I cannot do this

It is unfair, and I cannot do this

There is too much being asked of me, and I cannot do this

I CANNOT DO THIS

But I am meditating, tears rolling down my cheeks, and I hear Spirit:

“On the other side is beauty, on the other side is radiance, on the other side is joy and freedom unimaginable. If you could only see the bliss just on the other side, you would delight in this moment. You are getting everything you want, trust, stay the course, you will emerge from this a diamond. This pain, it will be worth it. That is our promise to you. It will be absolutely, wholly worth it. It is not for you to understand in this moment, but you will see in time. You will see. TRUST.”

“If you could only see the bliss just on the other side, you would delight in this moment.” 

I repeat this to myself over and over, I write this in my journal, it becomes my flicker of light in the following days, weeks, months of darkness. I had no idea what the bliss would be. I had no idea what the journey to the other side would feel like, nor how long it would take, but I knew I was to find trust and keep finding trust. So I made that my mission. These words kept me moving forward. 

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #8 of 45: “And It’s Real”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

To Girlfriend,

Tonight I am doing something I have never done, doing something that has made me nervous for a month, yet I said it was okay for you two to hang out in the car. I said it was fine for you to not be with me. I wanted you to make the most of your time with Girl, because time is limited, and I know she makes you happy, and I know you make her happy, and I feel so much pull between you two, what can I do but support this joy? What can I do when she seems to blow off her plans to be with you? What can I do when it looks like she beelines for you, and you both disappear before I can show you how my red shoes match my glasses?

But it stings that you come around for only ten minutes, it stings that you spend three hours with her and none with me. That it feels like you choose her over me all night. Even though I told you to. I am doing that thing where I tell you to do something, but hope you’ll guess what I really want. Where I tell you something is okay, but it is not. How dare you listen to what I say with my mouth and not what I am thinking silently in my mind. 

It stings when I come to the car for a jacket and you are both in the back, because for a moment I think you have rocketed forward in your relationship, I think you are making out or even past that, and I am filled with new horror. I am angry. I am sad. It hits me like ice pressed against my heart and I lose my breath, I lose my voice, I am losing my mind. Even when the door opens and you are just sitting there, I sense the lights dancing in both your eyes and want to scream, want to cry. I feel it. I feel the wanting. But I do not say anything. I take the jacket, force an empty smile, turn around sharply and walk away.

I think about the roles being reversed, if it was me, what I might want. How I’d want you to support me. How I’d want you to feel about it, how I’d want you to be generous and cool and graceful. I think about how, even if I was lost in the dream and fresh-ness of her, I’d still love you so very much, and so I try. I try to feel okay. And it is so fucking hard to feel okay when my partner seems to be falling for someone else, and when that someone else, who I also am kinda falling for, seems to be falling for my partner. Everyone falling, but no one for me to catch, and no one to catch me.

So I return to my thing, chest empty, arms empty, spirit empty. I feel feelings I have not felt in a very long time. I want to drink until I am staggering down the road, cold wind against my cheeks, feeling like I could die. I want to dance into oblivion, until I cannot remember who you are or who I am or who I thought we were or who I hoped I could be to either of you. I throw myself at some guy, wrapping my arms around him like he is my life preserver, but I do not give a shit about him, I just want to be gone. I want to be moved by someone other than you and her, I want to be desired, I want to be valued, I want to be seen. You show up when I am still in his arms with your cheeks still glowing from her.

You relay your conversation with Girl, and it seems she has been pushing you to tell her. She is asking, asking, asking, and I tell you she clearly wants you to admit your feelings, wants you to admit the REAL reason why you are nervous around her. It also sounds like she is offering hope and possibility, like she could be available for you, like there is a door cracked open. And you want to walk through it, you want to tell her you have a crush on her, I can see you wanting, more than anything, to go through this door. To her.

But you ask me first if you should, you ask me if it is okay and I don’t want you to, and it is NOT okay, and I don’t want this to move any further, but it must, it must, I know it must because to stop now is to stop halfway across a bridge, midway through investigation, clues spread everywhere and not an answer to be found. To stop now will always leave questions, to stop now will be to miss the learning of this journey, to stop now means holding the fear that you might be mad at me forever. That you are with me because I force you to be with me. That you will always be wondering what lies outside of the lines of our relationship. So I tell you to tell her, tell her TELL HER. And you do. And you do. And it seems she likes you too. Well, of course, who wouldn’t?

Fucking fantastic.

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RelationshipThat Hard, Bizarre Thing Series

That Hard, Bizarre Thing #7 of 45: “The Cards Say”

by Angela

(NOTE: Inspired by a journal about past events, does NOT reflect the present.)

In the excitement of all that Girl is, and the seemingly unlimited possibilities before us, Girlfriend and I pull out tarot and oracle cards because surely they are going to say we are meant to be a trio, and everything is going to be so great, and this connection will last forever, and make us so so so so so happy. Fully expecting to pull the 3 of Cups, The Lovers, probably The Sun, the 10 of Cups, and 2 of Cups for good measure. 

But Girlfriend’s spread does not say that. In fact, Girlfriend’’s cards include two main points. One, that she is everything Girl is afraid to desire AND everything Girl desires, like a luscious, tantalizing forbidden fruit. Two, that Girlfriend’s relationship with Girl is going to be chaotic, painful, and full of regret. 

This is not the spread Girlfriend was expecting (though she does like the part about being forbidden fruit), and she suggests it makes no sense that chaos and regret could possibly come from connecting with such a beautiful soul. (This later becomes a running joke. Much later.)

As for my spread, it says my relationship with Girl can be difficult, there lies some challenging stuff ahead, but ultimately I will be fine. I am definitely not everything she desires, or anything she desires (though she may very well desire what I possess), but I will be A-okay. I will emerge, eventually, on top in some way and my advice is to not get caught comparing myself to Girl because that will drive me crazy. We are perplexed by how somewhat boring and mundane my spread is, and how crazily dramatic and dark Girlfriend’s is.

We end with a spread on non-monogamy. Is this the right path? Should we be going in this direction? Is it wise to open up our relationship? The spread says YES, absolutely pursue this. Absolutely walk this road. But it also says there will be obstacles, there will be great jealousy, there will be overwhelming pain and anguish, there will be Tower endings and Death rebirth, BUT, but, it will ultimately lead to joy, stability, tranquility, gratitude, blessed transformation, and the birthing of dreams. We choose to downplay all the messages saying it will be hard, and focus on the goodies. Think positive, right?

Speaking of downplaying, further down the road Girl asks me to do a spread on the three of us, but I am in a rush and mostly highlight the nice stuff in the end. That it is all going to be great, it is meant to be, everything will be worth it. However, as I later look it over I see our trio is full of trials and tribulations, loss, pain, deception, and darkness that will eventually lead to strength, peace, and invaluable personal growth. 

The cards, I tell you.

The cards are always on point.

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