opening up

(NOTE: Written about an experience in the past, does NOT reflect the present.)

Girlfriend and I are queer and weird. People raise eyebrows, and sometimes voices, at many of our choices:

“You don’t have normal jobs?!!”

“You raise your kids how?!!”
“You don’t watch the news or vote?!!”

“You don’t eat meat? Or CHEESE?!!”

“You don’t have a living room?!!”

That is not even the weird stuff, people. That is the surface stuff.

Since we were already existing outside of society’s boxes, and perpetually seeking greater freedom, we thought what if… What if we also “crossed the line” with our relationship? What if we were, gasp, non-monogamous?

Could we step beyond traditional relationships? Could our love be so deep and so strong we could relinquish ownership and share each other with other people? Could we be so expansive in our connection that we live beyond the bounds of what is “proper?” Could we find peace in this thing purported to be horrible, shameful, unacceptable, reviled?

It sounds open-minded and grand. But really, I think we were bored and going a bit stir-crazy. I think we wanted to shake things up. I think our relationship had a lot of weak points, but instead of healing them it seemed easier and more exciting to distract ourselves. So we began to throw out hypotheticals like:

“What if we had crushes on other people, is that okay?”

“What if I made out with some hot chick at a club, is that okay?”

“What if we went on dates with other people, is that okay?”

“What if Danielle Haim met me, was totally into me, and wanted to take me away for the weekend on her private jet, is that okay?”

“What if Chef Melissa was at a party and held mistletoe above my head and we made out in the hall then became best friends, is that okay?”

Easy things to say lying together in bed, completely safe and sheltered. All hypothetical, all up in the air, all curiosity and nothing in place. No boundaries created, and no agreements formed other than “I suppose we could try it someday, I suppose we could consider this door open and see where it takes us.” 

I recall even saying these words: “I don’t even know if I really get jealous.” This is HILARIOUS. Because I do. Ohhhh, I do.

There are harder things in this world. There are more bizarre things in this world. But we are not here for comparative suffering, we are here to talk about my hard, bizarre experience.

It was hard to journey into the realm of non-monogamy.

It was hard to experience the love of my life be in love with someone else.

It was hard to also have confused feelings for the someone else.

It was hard to force transcendence, to try to prove my worth by attempting to be so damn cool about everything, only to fail and fail and fail. 

It was hard to be reduced to blankness, and find myself in the void. 

Nothing technically happened. Nothing that “counts,” there was no hanky panky, they did not kiss, they did not book a hotel for the weekend, they barely even touched. And yet… And yet it felt like the dissolution of my entire world. It did not matter to me that they were not physical, there were times I wished they had a torrid affair so I could know I had a right to feel everything I felt. Because it is hard to explain that “The love and longing I see radiating between you two, even though you do not touch, even though you say you are just friends, is strangling me.” But that is what it was.

However, the hard thing also turned out to be the best, most necessary thing. I needed to be burned to the ground so I could be born new. We needed to be burned to the ground so we could be born new.

I do believe everything was divinely orchestrated. I could feel the wheels of the Universe turning, intangible forces funneling and guiding. The experience arrived with such force I could not say no, and left with such force I could not say no. It was not under my control.  

No one is at fault in this story. No one is right, and no one is wrong. There is no hero and no villain, no victim and no perpetrator. Simply an experience that was absolutely gutting, and while we tend to label all painful experiences as “BAD BAD BAD, SHOULD NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, EVER,” they can also be the most transformative, glorious evolutions.

Please note I will often seem very angry (more like enraged/furious/livid/insane) and/or very sad (hopeless/desperate/despondent) because that is how I felt at the time. Much of it is also pulled from writing composed during the experience, so will sound like it is happening now. IT IS NOT HAPPENING NOW. I no longer feel angry and sad. Which may be hard to believe, but it is true.

It began with some wishes sent out to the Universe:

“I want to face my shadows so I may love myself wholly. I want to experience awakening and healing, so I may become all I am meant to be.”

The Universe heard me and said “Okay.”

Then whispered “Here she comes.”